So you have to be in a bikini in a week and you haven’t even walked in the direction of a gym for about 7 months…what do you do? Why not try a two day juice cleanse! Because two days of drinking juices is totally going to take this self-proclaimed professional bruncher’s bod to supermodel Hadid status. Yeah, yeah, we hate to say it, but sometimes these Babes are suckers for whatever the “it” diet fad of the moment may be.
You name it, we’ve probably tried it (insert various interchangeable inappropriate reference here). Smoothie diet, completed with little success, by day 10 I’d say I was feeling much more flu like than fabulous. Apple cider vinegar diet…that one may have went a little better if I chose to follow it as directed rather than dropping a shot glass of vinegar into a pint glass of water and chugging it like a sake bomb, but I mean honestly, don’t we all just want to make dieting feel like partying?
Anyways, since those other diets went so swimmingly, why not juice cleanse, it’s two days, I can do anything for two days, easy.
I started by googling, “how to prepare for a juice cleanse” and the trusty internet told me, “avoid gluten, dairy, artificial sugars, and most importantly, alcohol.” So naturally I spent the night before blacking out in a sushi restaurant at about 10:17pm, throwing up on the side of my own apartment at about 11:10pm, and waking up the next morning naked in my own bed with an uneaten 7/11 cheesecake in my pocket, wondering, “what the hell happened.”
And so I begin, my cleanse…
Let me start by saying, should circumstances have been different, this is the best juice cleanse in the business. Lucky Dutch Juice Company in North Park gives you 10 juices to drink a day and they are made up of mostly vegetables so you’re getting maximum nutrition and they taste awesome…like it isn’t one of those juices that tastes disgusting but you drink because you’re like “I should,” but they honestly are delicious.
I start by drinking two of the juices, which I paired nicely with the Advil necessary to attempt to cure my headache, while also telling myself, “I’m not that hungover, it’ll be fine, this is easy, I don’t want a bagel covered with mac and cheese anyways, I’ll feel so much better drinking juice.”
By my third juice it was time for work, and upon arriving at work, I had accepted defeat. I ate a bag of cranberry fig crackers, because they were the only thing I could find, and postmates-ed a salad because I had also read that you are allowed to eat salads while juice cleansing…mind you, the salad you eat is not supposed to have goat cheese and pecans in it, but honestly, how much can that really hurt?
After surviving my shift, and six more juices, I headed home, but not without stopping to pick up a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese…I think every hungover person needs a grilled cheese, that’s basically just science.
So day one didn’t exactly go as planned, but I still had day two, and worst case scenario, I was getting a lot of vitamins from these juices.
Day Two was easy. I drank my juices, I felt full and satisfied, pretty friggin’ proud of myself for actually only drinking juice all day, and my hangover had subsided, so life was good. And after all that good behavior, I got home and rewarded myself with some Christmas cookies…because who cares? There will be more fad diets to try in 2017 anyways.